Ethiopian
Politics: The Ultimate Primer
There are a
few people new to Ethiopian politics who have asked us for guidance on what’s really
happening. This has meant summoning Wonqette’s
Ethiopian Politics Expert Bureau Chiefess to provide a general background. In a
few clicks, you, too, can keep up with the conversation at the next Alfalfa
Club dinner—it might be 2023, but you never know.
Ethiopia has been in the news
a lot these days. You know this because Declan Walsh has had a ton of articles
in the New York Times telling all of us about his adventures and how the
Nobel Peace
Prize-winning Prime Minister of Ethiopia… smh, has
sadly turned out to be a bad boy.
Declan is an intrepid reporter. He is many lifetimes ahead of
everybody. So ahead that he made child
soldiers the must-have accessory of 2021. Some people (of course Canadians!),
think child soldiers should
not be glorified. But Declan has photos and, excuse you, the correct term
is “motivated
young fighters.”
And because you are probably a Nick Kristoff kind of reader,
you have probably heard about how Ethiopia is committing a lot of unchecked genocide.
And you would have by now heard about an outfit who is bravely standing up to
the Ethiopian government. That outfit is called the TPLF.
Curiously, the TPLF has been deemed a
terrorist organization by the Ethiopian government. What?!
But TPLF is Declan Walsh’s favorite
underdog, you say? A rag-tag team that came from nothing and rose up to annihilate
the massive Ethiopian army with
sticks and stones, you say? Then let’s all agree that the terrorist designation
is just… overreach? How can the TPLF not be an underdog when it had only
ruled the country for 27 years and had amassed only a few hundreds of millions of dollars?
People, perspective.
Allow us to help sort out the confusion. All the TPLF wants
is world peace, and also
to dance on rainbows, and also to fight until everyone owns a pet
unicorn. Its largesse includes introducing these concepts to neighbors
and spreading
the good word.
So why is the Ethiopian government being
so mean? Remember, pet
unicorns.
Ugh. This brings us to Ethiopian PM, Abiy Ahmed. So
stubborn! Churlish.
Insubordinate.
Gen X’ers, amirite? Recently he, get this, kicks out seven
UN diplomats from the country as if
he has the right. Can you even?? The United
Nations, folks. All they want to do is capture
the unicorns for TPLF. Sure the UN misplaced a
few trucks on the way, but who among us has not lost 400+ trucks? Picky, picky,
picky. Back
in March, the UN
had warned the world just how problematic Abiy was going to be. But no one listens
to the United Nations.
And the Prime Minister is indeed a problematic character. He
believes in the
climate hoax. He grabs
power like President Trump grabs other things. He thinks women should work.
He is upsetting fearlessly reckless CNN reporter Nima
Elbagir. And the US has just
about had it with him! No one in Africa likes him! Heck, everyone
in Ethiopia hates him.
How can anyone like a guy with no vision? We told you,
problematic.
We have covered a lot for one lesson on Ethiopian Politics
101. Time to yoga so all this knowledge stays inside. Make sure to sign up for the
second session to learn more—fun stuff. Will the US throw a
drink in Ethiopia’s face and scream, “You don’t know me like that!”? Will
the MSM fall
in love with Abiy? Will the TPLF get caught kissing a unicorn with Representative Chris Smith in an
Information Laundering booth?
No, thank you for your interest in Ethiopian Politics 101.
